She was calling to me, “I see you there in your beautiful pain.” The wind and the trees whispered softly in the distance as the night sky became filled with the twinkling beacons of life. Shivering I began the search, the walk to my heart knowing it would only agitate the hurt inside. Wounded, staggering, preparing, comforting and reassuring self around the safety needed to move forward. The wander continues as I stepped down blank to how I was going to get there, but full well knowing what I was going to have to encounter along the way. Accompanying this thought the visceral, foreshadowed taste of what was to come, the brief sensation of fear and pain swept through my being. The icy chill of night air slid down my back as the tightening of my chest pulled me inwards, eyes closing, doing my best to connect with breath. Patience, it will come.
The dew soaked grass beneath my booted feet offered a meeting spot between me and earth. The moisture heavy air sinking in around me as the quickly cooling night air began to dominate the surroundings as the words I revisisted swirled in my consciousness. The intentions, the work, the healing, the letting go and the preperations for the descent into darkness were made. She continued to call to me, to guide me, to offer me support and as I walked the fear began to seap into awareness. I knew to fully recieve I must first feel the pain.
Just keep walking, place the foot, listen to the swish of the leg through the dew soacked grass, carefully place the foot in the unlit darkness across the void to the spot where her welcoming voice guided, continue to breathe, appreciate the moisture in the air traveling in and out of the body bringing some peace. She loomed in the near distance, shadowed, grand and peacefully holding her place as if she had nothing else to do but wait for my arrival. The darkened silhouette of her presence offered refuge and respite. A peaceful place to practice touching the fear, protected from the hell just beyond her sacred grasp.
As I approached reverence filled my soul and a request was offered to recognize and honor her power and her love. I see you. I am seen. Steps slowed, awareness increased, a pause to stop just beyond her as haste was not needed in this process. Adjusting and settling into my decision to give in and accept her guidance she opened and welcomed me to this sacred spot. My steps resumed as my arm slowly raised with an opening hand focusing in on touch and awareness. Her power is instantly revealed as my hand comes into contact with her, eyes closing, breath sinking down and into my root. Strong, solid, comforting, accepting. I feel you. I am felt.
I have come today to request and receive your love and support. I want to continue to release and feel the true nature of what is inside Spirit, what has been patiently waiting to re-emerge. Behind the pain and the fear lies the playful spirit of joyfulness and the light-hearthedness of freedom. The return movement is building and presenting itself through opportunity. But lingering and overwhelming me lies the deep sadness and grief which first must be visited and embraced knowing it will hurt and sear through my body. It was time to step into the pain.
My body sank deeper down as her hands rested gently on the back of my neck as my body sank down against hers. The pouring pain of loss surfaced and began to flow out. Release. Feeling her support I let go, deeper it went and the softer she became. The pain swirled with feardriven ferocity intended to destroy me and keep me from stepping into the light and as the fear began to consume my awareness the realization and reminder of her healing force nestled in around me.
Rooted in love she offered me her wisdom and my truth with patience and kindness. Sinking further into the pain and letting it settle without resistance I welcomed the deep shadow of rejection with open arms. And with this acceptance, her gifts began to nurture the deep, tender wounds exposed by my choices, my risks, my vulnerability. Healing light filtered down through the shadowed recesses of my soul and as she moved through me she stopped and acknowledged the grief resting deep in my heart. Holding it gently she whispered divine validation of the process unfolding between us reminding me the ability to access her was always near.
The return movement began as the light, encouraged by her power and gifts, filtered deeper down into the corners of protected pockets of darkness. Shadow began to lift and compassoin slowly replaced the spaces around the rawness of my vulnerability. With no where to go I sat there cradled by the magic of her love and embraced the ancient wisdom flowing through me. Awareness of breath and the peaceful thump of my heart began to return as tears took turns finding there way down the chilly cheeks of my face knowing I was held.
The journey is mine to take, she reminded me, and must be continued. As the light filled me it was clear more steps must be taken. Slowly, I reemerged from the depths of healing and the twinkling beacons reappeared above me. She offered whispering words of wisdom and sweet encouragement as it was time to depart. Breathing slowly, humbly, I stepped out of the sacred place, my hand slowly sliding away from hers and once again my booted feet began to carry me across the dew soaked grass.
Without speaking I offered my gratitude and love. My booted foot placed down upon the earth, moving me forward once again through the darkness of the night. The swoosh of the grass, the damp, chilly air around me, and then a last reminder of her knowing and witnessing. The sweet supportive cries of coyote witnessing this journey into the night. A reminder of community, the pack, of the playfulness that follows the work of the hunt, and the medicine that comes with trusting her. Never alone.